A promise of light ...

Have you felt the descent into darkness? Human life mirrors nature, mirrors human life. Each season lives within every moment of our lives. We have only to look. The turns of the wheel are sacred. Are teachers to those willimg to learn. 

This time, feel into this. The darkest dark, given time, given grace, given love, given friendship, given all the broken pieces to be held most tenderly while awaiting a new form, is always followed by the return of the light. 

Always. 

Just as the seasons cycle, we cycle, life cycles, boundless in the micro and macrocosm. Over and over. What do we do with all this? What do we do as we enter the darkest night? We enter, my darlings. We enter the deepest and darkest parts of ourselves. Away from the countless facades and distractions, away from the manufactured busyness, away from the roles we play, away from speaking, away from seeing with our eyes... We enter into the slow. We seek our way back to the lessons of the dark.

We are surrounded by artificial light at all times, literally and figuratively. All to get away from the dark, literally and figuratively. But we cannot escape the dark because it always comes... We must learn to be with darkness again. That we can be. We must learn again how to help ourselves and that we need the help of others in the darkest time. 

Sit with this. See where it finds you. Hold space for the you that exists beyond the doing.

Because here we are. The longest night, brings the return of the light.
As above, so below, as within, so without.

The Winter Solstice is a promise of light, a promise of new beginnings.

Alchemy always.

Happy Winter Solstice my darlings.

The harvest always comes ...

Autumn is almost here my dears. Did it feel like time went faster this year? The solstice will be upon us soon. It is a funny time, isn't it? Everything is so lush, so alive, so rich in greens, colours, life ... The sun, hot, ripening everything to peak perfection ... toward its death...

Transformation ...

Nature, is our wisest and greatest teacher, if we allow. Everything we could ever hope to know is right before our eyes, waiting to be noticed, witnessed ... the forgotten sacred, waiting to be remembered. Look. See. Open. Go back.

Have you noticed now how hot the sun feels on your skin these days and how cold it is in the shade? The hot-cold sun of Autumn is a sun we need to be grateful for. He is a generous Sun. Letting us know that this particular life will soon come to an end for another season and giving us time to enjoy the heat, the bounty, the sounds, the air ... so gently letting us know that we must prepare for the cold and darkness to come.

The harvest always comes.

Harvest Moon is a time of death and transformation. It is the last harvest of the season, the animal harvest. The most difficult one. The minute we eat anything at all, we have taken death and transformed it. What we have eaten now becomes us, and this being we have consumed, now goes on as part of a new whole... Life is wild ...

The harvest always comes.

Think about your lives now for a moment. Not later. Now. No matter what you are doing. Stop. Give yourself a minute.

Stop.

Do you feel the moment of peace inside of you? Does the breath naturally come? A relief?

What will you harvest when you are in the Autumn of your life my dear ones? No matter what, day by day, moment by moment, with every single action you take, you are putting into the garden of your life. Good or bad, loving or damaging, every moment, it's going in.

The wheel of time goes on.

So take a good, clear, honest look at how you are spending your days ... who you are spending your days with ... what information you are feeding your mind ... what are you feeding your spirit ... your heart ... your stomach ... it all matters, every moment. It all builds your garden and readies it for Harvest.

How will your internal and external garden look in the Autumn of your life? Will it be full of thriving things that have been nurtured and cared for, given adequate food, water, love, sun, air, moon, love, space, time, rest, protection ... Every living being thrives on these things...

Or, will it be dry, wilted, devoid of fruits, stunted, weak from abandon, hungry for love, for rest, for food, water, sun, air, moon, love, space, time, rest, protection ...


Which will you harvest? The bounty? The lack? Think. Look. See your life ... your input in it ... your power to create anything.

Because my dears, the harvest always comes.

A good Harvest Moon to all. ReJOYce in the magnificence of this extraordinary life. Gratitude. Remember the forgotten. Open your eyes once more to what is important. The magic is in the minutes, the seconds, rich with eternity, rich with you.

Fully hers ... fully me ...

A little magic merry go-round lives right beside the shoe store at the mall where dogs are allowed to roam in the summertime. So teeny tiny … complete and utter magic to little children, who still live in their heart. It has three or four little ponies on it, I don't remember exactly. Some pink, some purple, some blue ...

"Mommy mommy can I go on the merry go-round?!!" Sure my baby, I say. She jumps for joy and I reach for my change and put it in the slot.

In my smartphone days, I would immediately reach for my phone, take a few photos (to participate in the endless documenting of every single moment that we have all become addicted to) of her enjoying the ride and put it away. There may have been the little red number that signifies a text or a WhatsApp box on the top and whether I wanted it to or not, the visual alone, would have diverted my full and complete attention away from this moment. The flow of connection, of pure presence would have been broken. Even if for a moment. It matters deeply.

In my new chosen reality, smartphone free, I instead reached for my bag (addiction habit), realized there was no phone and smiled. I felt such relief that it was not there. What I did instead, was spend two full and complete minutes looking at my child. Deeply looking. Looking into her joyful eyes each time the horses came by and she looked into mine and showed me her soul. I was fully there to see it. To see her. To fully witness. Fully hers. Fully me. I didn't take a photo of the moment for later. I was completely in the moment as it happened and it was so rich and so deep that the memory brings tears to my eyes as I write this. I felt so blessed to fully give myself to my life in the here and now. To fully and completely see my baby's joy, to look into those beautiful eyes for a long time and free to delight in it uninterrupted.

I have (and have had for a long time now) an idea of how you are never fully where you are with smartphones, but I did not realize just how much richness and depth you lose in life. How much you lose in the experience of self, of your own internal journey.

How much you become the one constantly documenting instead of experiencing and more importantly, while you are documenting, your soul's journey is constantly being interrupted and subjected to the incessant brain pull of various messaging systems and notifications. And the thing is, we have forgotten how much we have lost, how rich and glorious life and connection and existence actually are, because most of us are never away from our smartphones for an extended period of time.

I'm not sure how to end this piece so I will end it just like this. Imperfectly.

Stay tuned for more.

Oh, also, here are some photos of what we have been up to over here ...

Gathering the peonies of summer ...

The lavender came back this year … thankfully ...

I love flowers in the rain … capturing such beauty with a camera, not a smartphone ...

Watercress  ...

Making sun tea … the best ...

The rain is over, full bloom ...

This came in the mail from Spain … reclaiming my brain, one step at a time ...

Mother water ...

Looking up instead of down ...

Fertility … 

More looking up … slowly, fully … Grandmother moon ...

Fully where I am, everywhere I go ...

It has been almost a week now since I lost my iPhone and it has changed my life.

At first, I panicked, as one does when a drug is taken away. I scoured the house looking for it, frantically turning everything upside down. I wondered how I would survive without it. What would I do? This lasted the whole first day. The second day, the anxiety had diminished greatly. I had after all, survived a day without it. I had made it. I had taken any necessary phone numbers from my husband's phone the night before and used my house phone to make any calls I needed to make and the computer to message with people and let then know my phone was MIA and frankly, I was pretty thrilled about it.

Then came the big test. Going out without it. This was a huge deal for me because like most of us, I have not been out on my own without a phone in eons. Well, I did it and you know what? It was *excellent*. At first, I was fidgety at stoplights (the addiction thing again) but then, I was free. Freeeeeeee! Free from the compulsion to look and check. Free to be where I was and *only* there. Free to notice my world. My attention to my surroundings had noticeably sharpened and there was a huge sense of relief.

By day three, I had much more energy, much less anxiety.

Then on day four came a test. I was at the grocery store and I had bagged all my groceries (in my cloth bags, do it too!) and ready to pay and … declined … try again … declined … err, try this one … declined … and this is *just* as I was talking with the young girls at the cash, telling them how I had lost my phone and asking them if they ever went out without theirs (I'll write more on their answer in another piece).

So in the iPhone world, I would have taken the device out, gone on the app, figured it out on my own, paid, left. In my current iPhone free world, I had to drive back home! Can you imagine? So, the girls helped me and kept my cart in the fridge and I told them I would be back in an hour.

I went home, sang in the car on the way there, got on the computer once home, got some cash, my daughter wanted to come with me so we hopped in the car, sang on the way back to the store, we went in and the girls went to get my cart and voila.

So here is what happened. Instead of me having a solitary experience where I look down at my phone and push a few buttons and have a quick fix and save myself time for lord knows what (more time to spend on the phones most likely), I had a series of actual physical experiences where I connected with people and myself and life was more rich.

How many of these are we missing every moment for the sake of so called convenience and time saving? Ask yourself … for what …?

Another moment I had was when I made something special. A dish that meant something. In the iPhone world, I would have taken a photo, sent it to a bunch of people, gotten the nice texts in reply and that would be it. In my current iPhone free world, I will pack some up, get in the car and bring them to someone tomorrow who knows the meaning behind them. Again, a moment of a solitary experience, under the guise of being social, versus a real life experience in the world that requires effort and gives us so much more ...

So almost a week in without my iPhone, I have more energy than I can remember, my anxiety levels have drastically decreased, I feel more joyful, more alive in life, more creative, more social, less alone (strange right? not really ... I will write more on that) ...

I am fully where I am, everywhere I go. I am no longer tethered by countless invisible strings and possibilities encased in this tiny device that is made to keep us outside of ourselves and away from each other.

Stay tuned  …

To be allowed to bloom ...

I want to share a simple moment with you today. A quiet, morning moment in our yard. It was cool this morning as I was walking in our backyard. The air was still a little wet and the sun was shining and it felt so good to be outside with my bare feet on the ground. I stopped and looked around, really looked. I realized just how much was there under my feet, up in the trees, all around and I just wanted to get my camera and take photos in this energy that was around. It is easy to forget sometimes that we are surrounded by so much life all around us. For various reasons, I have found myself in this place of forgetfulness lately and am working hard at pulling myself back to truth and to the life force that is available all around. It's palpable when you are open to it. Our place has so much medicine in it. Here are a few photos I took this morning. 

As you can imagine, we use no chemicals at all in our yard and gardens so our lawn is pretty much what wants to grow and this happens to be a combination of medicinal plants and flowers and grass and wild strawberries, which the birdies just love (as do we) ... and we collect and use what we need just from what we have allowed to grow naturally, what was already here, waiting to be allowed to bloom ...

Wild white viola, beauty and food and medicine ...

Wild strawberry flowers before the berries come in for the birdies .. and of course, dandelion ...

More strawberry flowers and dandelion and the wonderful plantain in there too ... there is that pointy leafed one there but I don't know what that is yet ... must find out yes? If you know, tell me.

Are you tired of viola's and strawberry flower photos yet?

Blessed nettle ... 

Spruce tips almost ready for harvesting for food and medicine ...

A little more ...

Pear blossoms from our pear tree ...

How perfect and beautiful they are  ...

The apple blossom buds before opening ...

How marvelous ...

So much beauty, life force, blooming ... in just a moment, right here, just look.
Thank you.

Oana

Through the muck, to the fear ...

"For her, dependency had always equaled rejection, ridicule and sometimes, outright malice.

The womb she depended on pushed her out months before it was time. The mother she depended on pushed her out a thousand times throughout the years and then literally, with locks as a teenager.

When she was younger her mother would leave her alone and sometimes she didn't know when food might come or where to find her mother. Her dad had said he didn't know it was that bad. She has some memories of calling him when it got scary.

Sometimes, in moments of time, the mother she had the potential to be came forward. The one inside her that was mostly buried and killed off by her own traumatic life. The mother who helped came forward, the mother who made sure beyond a measure of a doubt that whatever she wanted to happen, the earth would be moved and it would happen through her sheer will and determination. The one who's bean soup her daughter remembers, if only because it was made so few times and it tasted full of dreams and hopes and love, the mother who when you were in the embrace of her love, her light was strong and comforting and safe. For a moment.

Inevitably, when her daughter's hopes were up, which they always were when this benevolent mother showed up because her heart remained open, as children's hearts do, without warning the meanness would come, the manipulation, the lies, the hitting, the body shaming the name calling ... the list went on, the light dimmed, the fear came back along with the now imbedded script of "why had she ever trusted her mother to begin with, why had she let her guard down, she should have known better" ...

When the parent and caregiver is the bully, the source of torment, nothing afterward can truly be trusted. So how does one navigate dependency when it presents itself in adulthood, she wonders...

Dependence.

Dependence.

Dependence ...

How can she find peace in this place?

This place of grace where trust can live. This place where the flesh does not tremble in fear of what might be, of who will help, must one depend ...

The remarkable Ram Dass, wheelchair bound and about to be lowered into a swimming pool, says in his new film, 'Going Home',  "In this culture, dependency is a no no. The stroke showed me dependency, and I have people that are dependable. My stroke makes it hard to play the cello, it's difficult to play golf ... those are out there, and I am in here. The stroke pushed me inside, even more, and it's so wonderful."

So wonderful ... She wonders ... What if inside wasn't wonderful. What if inside only recognized  dependency as fear, as death. What if,  'in here', inside the cavern of memory, people were the opposite of dependable and the notion brings the heart to a tremble ... The cells remember what dependence felt like when they were young and vulnerable, when no one came and when sometimes they did come it was to ridicule and shame that dependence of that child ...

That is a profound one ... the ridiculing and shaming of a child for dependence, when dependence is the natural state of a child ... The cells remember the fear, the body trembles. She wonders ..."

Artwork by the wonderful Leah Dorion

                                 

It is easy when you can do it all yourself, isn't it. You are strong, smart, capable, resourceful ... you are mobile, full of energy ... you want? You get. No problem. It's all in your hands ...

Until it's not one day.

Maybe for an hour, a week, a month, maybe longer ...

Maybe you look at your hands and they look the same but you can't find yourself in them somehow ...

One day, you get sick, or injured or something else happens that causes you to face, what seems like to you, drastically reduced capabilities. No matter how much you will it for that moment, you cannot do, you can just be ...

Reduced in capabilities.

Reduced to dependence.

When you are here, in this place of perceived reduction, this place when you are not the one that does but the one that needs, this is when you find out about yourself, about the deep recesses inside you, through the muck, to the fear. This is the place where you find out how scared you really are. If you go into it that is. In this place of need, you find out about your friends, about your family, about your community, your society. See ... open your eyes and see what needs to be seen, so you can know who you can depend on ... this is a big one ...

It's interesting how dependence is perceived as a reduced state isn't it. The primal fear ...
it's not in your imagination darlings ... in nature, weak things perish.

And here ... this, is what makes human beings so extraordinary. Have you ever thought about it? We, somehow, have found a place outside of physical evolution, where there is space for the weak. For the dependent. A place where they do not have to perish. Where you, do not have to perish.

We humans can love. We are capable of a love so deep that we can care for and help the dependent, and can do so with joy and honor. How extraordinary, don't you think?

All you have to do is ask.

Ask ...

A word that carries so much in it, isn't it? All the rejections, the unmet needs, desires ... a feeling of unworthiness buried so deep sometimes that it is unrecognizable as unworthiness and instead shows up as 'I don't need' ... because needing hurts too much ...

All you have to do is ask ...

What if the pattern of asking, for you, is one of remembered ridicule and shame, one of not receiving over and over again?

One day, did you stop asking? Do you even know?

Tell me, how hard is it to ask? Tell me. What do you ask for? Is it easy to ask when you are strong? More difficult when you are weak? What happened when you asked for things as a child? From your parents, teachers, friends ... did you receive? Were you rejected? Or worse? Shamed for needing?

Dependency forces us to ask. Forces us to show up as our most vulnerable, to ourselves first, and really see where our beliefs around need, worthiness and security are. Then to find the courage to show up this way to the people in our lives (who most likely are used to seeing us as strong and capable) and see how they respond. Do they lean in, or lean away. When they lean in do we lean in in response, or lean away? Are our hearts in good hands with them? Are they dependable?

How much courage does it take for a wounded child to ask, to try to depend on someone or something when what that child has known is rejection and abandonment ...

I say to this child inside, be brave little one, as you already are and remember that bravery contains fear so don't fret. There are extraordinary people out there filled with love and kindness. See who they are for you. The only way to find out is by not always being strong, it is by asking and depending on them. So try again and again and again and I promise you, you will find dependable. No one can do it alone and you deserve dependable.

Ask ...

Tremble if you must, but ask ...

In celebration ...

"Her mother had never wanted a girl.

She had told her daughter that often when she was too young to understand why. Later, her mother told her she didn't want to bring a girl into the world because girls suffer greatly, carry all the burdens and were vulnerable in the world. She had also treated her daughter as if she never wanted a girl and her daughter had internalized that. The feeling of being unwanted by her mother for being a girl was one that had never left her. She spent her whole life somehow making up for that by being in charge, being powerful, overly capable, hard... She also spent her whole life looking for substitute mothers. One's who made her feel cared for... valued... wanted... Women with which she could soften ... 

She found a version in her grade school English teacher, a version in her high school sweetheart's mother, a version in her therapist, a version in some friendships throughout her life, a version in her mother in law, a version in many books ... 

She found versions within herself through a decade long process of learning to re-parent the little girl full of trauma that needed a loving mother who cherished and valued her, one who would show her how to be a loving woman... a loving mother ... versions within herself when doing the work to heal others and showing up in roles of mother and guide... 

And finally, most profoundly, she found the courage to find herself as mother, to a precious girl, being transformed every moment by the pure miracle that is the pregnant body, the life that comes forth and the little girl that came to bless her life with more joy, wonder and respect than she had words for, every moment of her life."

All of human life is made in the bodies of women, brought into the physical world through the bodies of women, nurtured by the bodies and souls of women, guided by the souls and hearts of women. 

Let us respect, love and govern ourselves as women as the miracles that we are. That is our birthright. Let us also treat one another as such. As friends and equals, as helpers, guides, leaders, teammates ... the holders of the world ... For the world needs us now, more than ever. 

Let us want and care for and nurture the girls within us, the girls in our lives so that we and they can reflect that and be the women that make the world. 

In celebration of International Women's Day.